Korean Studies

ini gue tulis di sebuah kedai 'cemplung donat' di deket rumah, procrastinating dari belajar buat finals. belajar apa, gue juga susah ngejelasinnya. intinya sih korespondensi bisnis. tapi gak cuma itu sebenernya, jadi overall lebih ke business stuffs.

lagi stress begini, gue jadi inget-inget lagi kenapa gue milih jurusan ini. i mean, dari astronomy ke korean studies namanya bukan banting setir lagi tapi setirnya udah lepas, gak terkendali, kalo kata Carrie Underwood sih 'Jesus take the wheel'. alesan awal gue milih jurusan ini buat bikin kesel nyokap karena doi ngelarang gue buat pergi ke bandung. bayangin aja, dari smp gue udah mau kesana, udah bilang ke doi, ke bokap, ke handai taulan yang nanya 'afi kalo kuliah mau kemana?' (gue udah ditanya begini dari sd), terus tiba-tiba kelas 3 semester 1 akhir gue diultimatum, "kamu kuliah di jakarta aja, gausah ke bandung. emang di ui aja gabisa?" mau marah juga gimana (udah marah sih), yang bayar kuliah juga bukan gue kalo gue di-disown gimana -_- tapi sebel udah di ubun-ubun, makanya gue pilih jurusan yang nyeleneh. yang orang-orang gak akan mikir gue ambil itu. terserah gue dong, toh gue yang belajar, gue udah nurutin nyokap, kalo mau protes ke nyokap tuh (banyak yang protes, ha. gue puas banget). lagian bahasa korea apa susahnya sih, gue pikir waktu itu.

gue salah besar, bahasa korea susah. pake banget.

bacanya sih gampang, gampang banget lo belajar intensif seminggu juga bisa. tapi grammar. dan writing. dan listening. dan speaking. kalo gak disabarin mending berenti aja dari semester 1 dan pindah kuliah. grammar makin tinggi tingkatannya makin fucked up, orang korea bahasanya pake hati, maksudnya tergantung sama situasi dirinya/orang lain/lingkungan sekitar [insert middle finger here for being so screwed up]. writing, sama susahnya dan ada bahasa yang khusus buat tulisan dan khusus buat lisan. listening... sigh. kecepatan ngomong mereka luar biasa. dan buat speaking, ada tingkatan bahasa sesuai hierarki (atasan, orang lebih tua, seumuran asing, seumuran deket, lebih muda) atau situasi (formal, semi-formal, santai, biasa).

ada banyak orang yang nanya, "fi, sastra korea itu belajarnya apa aja sih? kayak di les-les gitu?"

sebenernya gue emosi kalo dibilang gitu hahaha. to be perfectly, very very very honest. tapi gapapa, orang-orang (atau kamu yang baca? ;D) kan gak tau. makanya nanya. ada yang bercanda, "wah lo ntar ngurusin boiben-boiben kayak suju dong." duh, i wish it could be that easy, karena jawabannya: tidak.

aslinya nama jurusan gue adalah 'bahasa dan kebudayaan korea' tapi to be honest gak itu aja yang gue pelajarin. bahasa, pastinya. kebudayaan, iya. tapi budaya apa? kita belajar budaya tradisional, perkembangan masyarakat, perkembangan agama, dan budaya korporasi. belajar sejarah? pasti. dari pra-sejarah, jaman modern, sampe kontemporer. belajar linguistik? pasti. belajar fonetik, fonologi, morfologi, sintaksis, dan semantik. sastra? iya lah. belajar mulai dari sejarah sastra nya, prosa, puisi, drama/film. itu doang? ada bisnis korea. bahasa bisnis yang beda, istilah-istilah bisnis, korespondensi, business manner, sampe bikin 'perusahaan' sendiri dan simulasi presentasi di depan pemegang saham.

orang-orang sering ngira belajar di fib itu gampang karena cuma bahasa. justru, karena bahasa adalah pintu untuk semua peluang, semuanya bisa dipelajarin, semuanya bisa masuk, sehingga field nya jadi luas banget. orang mipa atau orang teknik gak mungkin belajar bahasa karena bukan bidangnya, tapi orang bahasa bisa jadi juga belajar mipa atau teknik karena istilah dalam masing-masing bahasa itu berbeda. ada banyak jurusan di universitas korea yang mau nerima mahasiswa asing kalau udah punya sertifikat TOPIK (toefl-nya korea) level 4 (kalau s2/s3) bahkan level 6 (paling tinggi) karena bahasanya udah beda banget. kasarnya, percuma aja lo otak sepinter apa, lo gak akan diterima scholarship di korea karena lo gak bisa bahasa korea. sejujurnya gue juga mau ambil scholarship di sana buat astronomy major, tapi gak sanggup karena level 6 itu bahasa level pribumi haha.

intinya, setiap jurusan itu pasti punya tingkat kesulitannya sendiri. orang-orang dengan tugas akhirnya, gue dengan skripsi gue tentang analisis puisi tahun 1920-an dengan pendekatan psikologi (see? gue pilih pendekatan psikologi out of all fields out there -_- semuanya mungkin di jurusan bahasa). kalau sebuah bidang gampang sih gak akan jadi jurusan di universitas tapi buka les aja.

hidup gue di jurusan ini, educationally, sulit banget sampe nangis darah, tapi thanks to temen-temen gue yang bikin gue sadar we'll go through these shits together, yang selalu percaya setelah tangis ada tawa, kesempatan dalam kesempitan, habis gelap terbitlah terang, gue masih hidup sampe sekarang dan masih bisa ketawa, gak gila, gak terjerumus lingkaran setan haha. gue masih rajin solat, alhamdulillah, masih jadi anak baik, masih afi yang dulu cuma lebih pinter aja. gak banyak berubah. hal ini sesuatu yang mungkin gak gue dapet di jurusan lain. some people lose their youthfulness, their purity as time goes on, tapi sepertinya gue gak. gue dan temen-temen gue masih bisa berebut hal-hal sepele, kayak anak tk, bisa nginep di rumah salah satu temen dan gegulingan dan rebutan selimut. gue gak bilang hal-hal ini gabisa didapet di jurusan lain, tapi dari yang gue liat, dari facebook, dari social media lain, it's as if my time stopped over 3 years ago. temen gue keliatan banget dewasa, tambah usia, sedangkan gue overall gak berubah dari jaman mahasiswa baru. banyak banget yang gue udah dapet selama 3.5 tahun ini, dan gue rasa, pilihan gue yang dulunya cuma buat balas dendam jadi kayak menu pizza hut, "pilihan yang sangat tepat!"

jadi jangan lagi hubung-hubungin jurusan gue sama super junior ya :D bosen tau hahaha.

udah ah, balik lagi belajar korespondensi bisnis.

23 Deep Ass Questions

i found this post on Tumblr and when i read the questions i was like, "fuck this". i really really want to answer them so here i am, casually coming back just to dump something.



  • 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
  • for me it's looking into someone's eyes when i'm telling someone how i feel. i'm afraid of finding what they think about me through their eyes, and i'm the one who's scared of disappointment and rejection, and i really don't want to see them. sometimes it's hard to look into people's eyes when i talk casually, too, because i'm afraid of what's in their eyes when they see me.

  • 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
  • it was when my father took something important from me and said that it was the best for me. i'm honestly not the one to patronize and i utterly hate it when someone says something as if they know myself better than i do. the problem was solved already, but every time someone does that i will be really upset.

  • 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
  • i'm certainly gonna call my mother and say, "mom, i think there's something wrong with the plane i'm taking right now. i don't know what will happen latter but i love you and dad and brother. if i can't come back to you, i'm sorry."

  • 4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
  • i won't. i hate it when people playing god, especially to me, thinking they can do better than god. i know if this happens, my parents will. my friends will think of what ifs and they will look at me with pity. so no. i will continue living as usual, more religiously maybe. i'll be afraid, especially with the afterlife, but no way i will tell someone about this.

  • 5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
  • trust. because love comes after trust. i love someone because i can trust them.

  • 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
  • save it. a life costs definitely more than a job, no matter how small the life is.
  • but maybe i'm right now a bit too idealist. i don't know if this occurs in real life.

  • 7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
  • this is hard because the one i trust the most is also the one i love the most. for me love comes after trust. it hurts more when i'm hurt by the one i love the most, i think, because at the same time they wound my trust.

  • 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
  • we can try it out. sometimes the one we long look for is someone closest to us.

  • 9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
  • no, because god is fair. moreover this person wasn't someone i love.

  • 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
  • i think yes?

  • 11. Does love = sex?
  • no, because i'm the conservative type that thinks that sex has to come after love.

  • 12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
  • no? why would i?

  • 13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
  • the last time was earlier this year? the response was unexpected and i vowed never to be honest with anyone about how i feel. i don't want to get hurt again.

  • 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
  • it's harder to confess than to be confessed to.

  • 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
  • my life. because god hates it. i don't want to disappoint my god.

  • 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
  • to my friend, mai? although it was a careless word because she gave me something and i was like "omg do you know how much i love you" but really it was a friendly love.

  • 17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
  • ...nothing?

  • 18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
  • no because i don't know how to. to be very very honest.

  • 19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
  • i think i'll let the newborn fall? idk. because i don't know him and if he dies no one will sue me. if my grandmother dies all of her relatives (she has 16 siblings btw, imagine how many are her nephews nieces in-laws grandchildren grand-grandchildren) will look for me and ask me and i'm afraid of interrogations.

  • 20. Are you old fashioned?
  • in a way, yes.

  • 21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
  • yesterday? i never expect anything in return to be perfectly honest because when i do, i'll be disappointed.

  • 22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
  • true love. because all experiences have their worth.

  • 23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
  • a guarantee of entering the Heaven in the afterlife with my parents and brother.

this is reality.

sometimes even the smallest, humblest wish cannot be true.
yet i have to feel guilty to wish such thing.

they said that crying cannot solve the problem.
but when the problem cannot be solved, why not crying?

when a house is not a home.
then what is home?
what if you do not feel like home at the place you are supposed to call it home?

how come someone rises a child like a boy,
and wishes her to grow up like a girl?

what is the point of socializing,
if in the end we are all living solitaire?

why do people have to look down at others,
in purpose to make themselves 'higher'?

what's the point of 'unity in diversity',
if you are always siding to the majorities and putting aside the minorities?

people whine, people mourn, but no one cares.
in the end, people only really care for themselves.
but the irony is, although they know that no one cares, they keep whining.

even though you know that something is stupid pointless et cetera,
you keep doing it.

i'm most likely not complaining nor whining right now.

but... just wondering. if it's good or bad that my mom being a thrifty housewife. a bit too thrifty though. i don't know how many basic needs of mine have been pushed away because she said 'it's not that necessary, you know.' recently i told her about something that has been wrong in my body for a few years. it's only natural for me to ignore my health (especially what seems like trivial things) because i have this 'a good sleep cures anything' mindset. yes, i hate doctors, so if i tell someone about my shitty health that means i feel uncomfortable already with it. yet my mom hasn't done anything to me. i don't know if she is just being thrifty again or... no, i'm not complaining nor whining. just wondering.

120602. when my life becomes empty once again.

so, one of my cats died again. this time was Jabrik, and he was my family's sweetheart.



(this was taken around last year)

the night before he died, i wasn't at home. i stayed in a friend's house because we watched a movie and i missed the last train. then at dawn my mom sent me a text which said 'innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un' with Jabrik's picture attached.

i opened the message in the morning, around 8 half. and i cried. broke down. i couldn't breathe because i can never cope with sadness really well. sadness (and happiness, unfortunately) can kill me literally. i only had my friend to remind me to keep breathing. it fucking hurt.

i regretted not going home. i regretted watching movies with my friends. i regretted having fun because it seems like when i get a little too happy, something bad happens.

i regretted being happy.
and it was almost funny. and pathetic.

at the same time, i didn't want to go home. i didn't want to come home without Jabrik welcoming me with his bitchy face and human-what-are-you-doing-here judging glare. i didn't want to face the reality that i had to meet my cat's grave instead.

i arrived home at 3PM. and no one mentioned his death ever since.

until today. i was eating my chicken in McD and i was thisclose to collect the chicken bones and wrap them up.
"There's no Jabrik now to eat these bones happily," said mom. she uttered that in carefree tone but i know, she cried her tears out when she called me yesterday.


Jabrik, forgive me for not being a good master for you. i hope you won't be mad again to me. i hope 'somebody' rubs your tummy there above. i hope 'somebody' gives you the cat food straight from 'his' palm like how i used to do. i hope you won't get soaked in the rain again, so now you don't have to sleep on my window list again. i hope you're now in the better master's hand. and please keep in mind that i love you.